this was way longer than i was anticipating. might delete it later on…

so i’m laying in bed watching a movie and trying to sleep. i’ve been doing a lot of thinking tonight and every other night i lay in bed and i can’t seem to come to any consensus. i’ve been wondering what happiness is and whether or not i am happy. my job has been going well, i’m hoping to get a car, move out, go to school, etc. i am happy that those things are going well for me, but is it really making me happy? every night i lay in bed and wonder what i’m trying to do with my life. i work, i maybe go out once in a while with people i know (but i really wouldn’t call true friends), but i never seem to be happy. maybe it’s because i don’t have people i feel i can go to whenever i need someone to talk to or just hang out with. i’ve been trying to build relationships like this for a while now, but it never seems to pan out, even though i have been trying harder than ever.

i understand completely that your happiness shouldn’t be reliant on other people, but that’s not exactly what i’m talking about. it’s not that i don’t have people like this i can rely on, rather that i seem to be unable to build these kinds of friendships. so my key to happiness seems to be having the ability to create friendships and be likeable, not necessarily actually going through with it. if i knew i had people who enjoyed my company, i think i would be happier. again, not because they actually do, but that i am the kind of person someone would want to be with. that is what would make me happy, or at least i think so.

the problem with this is it seems to be confusing logic to others. but it seems to make sense to me. my logic in many ways is way different than others, which is probably why no one fully understands me, and never will. this misunderstanding is causing so many of the issues i have with other people. i wish i could change. i really wish i could. but if i told you to change the way you think every minute of every day, do you think you could do it easily? people have been telling me for a long time that change is easy, but i dont think they truly understand how deep my problems run. maybe i’m exxagerating, but from what i know about myself—which is a lot—i don’t think i would be able to change as easily as others make it out to be. i know change is necessary, and i do think i have changed, but it hasn’t been enough and i fear it never will be.

there just seems to be something about me that makes me unappealing to others. they may seem to enjoy my company but never want to do anything with me outside of large groups. if i ask them to do something (which is rare), they almost will never want to. and i can’t remember the last time someone has reached out to me and actually asked me to do something. okay, actually, rather than changing that, i do remember one time that happened last. it wasn’t that long ago (maybe a couple months or less). we hung out for a bit, just the two of us, then did stuff later on with a larger group of people. now, despite me asking a couple of times, we have never done anything else. and my fear is that is because they don’t want to do anything with me for a few reasons (won’t go into that).

so, how do i change? how to i get myself to the way i want to be? to the place that would make me the happiest. i want others to enjoy my company. not because i need their company to be happy, but because the way i want to be would ALLOW that to happen as a result. again, not sure if that makes sense. that’s just my own logic.

this is what goes through my mind every single night. i can’t really remember the last night i had where i didn’t think about this or something similar. i can only remember a couple of nights in the last several months where i seemed to be fully content with my life. and that wasn’t because i was happy with myself, rather that i was happy to be with someone that i enjoyed being with. it seems to be going downhill with no end in sight, and i really hope that changes. i’m just not sure the best way to go about that change is. i just hope i can find it. soon. before this gets worse.

edit: (like anyone will ever read this) the sad part is that this is only a small SUBsection of things i wonder every day. i could probably write a post several times the length of this if i went into it all. :\

Reynolds foul ball I got at the DBacks game.

Row 8!

(via lovegifs)

Just walk away.

sammichfelge:

incapacityinc:

This isn’t love. You don’t know love. I don’t know love. And I am afraid I never will. But I want to. I want to know love. I want to know it and I want to feel it. But this isn’t love. So please don’t pretend it is. Don’t make it worst. Just walk away. It’s for the best. Just walk away.

andrewmichael:

Those are Daleks behind Chuckie.

omg this is awesome.

MacBook Pro parts galore!

Macs and PCs

aparticularpath:

brucespang:

marcamos:

Have you ever noticed that, 95% of the time:

• People who hate Macs have never owned one
• People who hate PCs have owned one

Not happy with the way things are going.

What’s new?

I feel a rant coming on.

Not sure if it’s something I’ll publish, though. Hm…